“You make beautiful things out of the dust” – Gungor

{How to keep going when grief, pain, trauma and disappointment overwhelm.}

Friend, I see you. Whatever the circumstance or season of pain you’re in, you’re not alone. I’m currently working through a season of grief and loss and along the way, I’ve gleaned a few things that perhaps, might be helpful for you if you’re also in a difficult season. Please read on and I hope you find this post to be an encouragement!

1. “You’re only as sick as what stays hidden.” My brother’s voice echoed distantly across the miles. I squirmed a little but tried to brush off the gnawing I felt. I don’t remember the exact way I tried to dismiss his words in response, but we hung up the phone and I quickly moved on with my day. There were 6 mouths to feed, 3 special needs school lessons to plan, groceries from 3 different stores to be purchased. I had no time for this! {Or didn’t I? } Days later, I found myself snapping irritably at the kids and bursting into tears over minutiae that was clear to everyone else but me: I needed to slow down and process my pain. I had let the hurt from traumatic events in my recent past, build up to the point of having it erupt from my insides over the people I loved the most. I was not pleasant to be around. Anger was unfairly displaced. Harsh words doled out like unforgiving, destructive winds. After one too many angry outbursts, I wondered: what had happened to me? Who had I become? And was this the school and home environment I wanted my kids to grow up in?
2. Confession brings freedom. I knew I was sick inside and that I had to change. Slowly, over the weeks, I began to write it down. A late night journal entry. A quick email to myself while the kids were watching a show. Crying into my pillow as quietly as I could, so as to not wake up my husband. A text to a trusted friend. Crying into my salad over lunch with a bridesmaid. Prayers to a God who loved me, but whom I struggled to trust as my Good Father. A grief session over Zoom with a trusted minister. As time passed, I stopped stuffing the hurt; instead, I gave it a voice. I called it out from the shadows. The words came and I named the hurt, one by one, and it started to unravel – a seemingly endless, looping, snake of hurt, resentment and bitterness – even rage. The snake in the shadows was being released. It had taken many months, but I could feel a measure of wholeness start to spring up from the dark places within.
3. Hold space for your pain. Healing takes time. Unpacking pain is akin to peeling layer after layer of an onion but it can’t and shouldn’t be done all at once. I realized that I needed the time, space, and margin in my days to process the hurt, grief, and disappointment – and to name the shadows. I had to realize that I was worth this dignity. The lessons, the laundry, and the long list of “urgents” could wait. And the same goes for you, friend. You need time alone, and with trusted friends and counselors, and with God. Hold space for the hurt. Give it a slot in your day, in your week, in your month. Leave margin for the moment alone to cry, to grieve, to pray. It may feel like you’re taking 2 steps backwards to do this, but really, you’re taking 3 steps forward. And holding space for the pain is part of the path forward when the hurt overwhelms.
4. Let go of your ashes. Remember that the God who knows you intimately, stands before you asking you to let go of your ashes. He wants your remains so He can exchange it for beauty (Isaiah 61:3). But most of us like to tight fist the “right” to those burnt remains; does He even know what person x, y, or z did to me? Unspeakable, unforgivable things. Does He even know how much it broke my heart? Shattering it into a thousand pieces? Yes, He knows, but human nature likes to hang on to the hurt, even still. So He waits for us, standing close – and asks us to dine, knocking to be let into this dark corner of our soul. I had to choose to let go of the ashes of disappointment of what did happen and what did not happen. The sadness of what should have happened but never did. We need a willingness to release it all to Him who is able to carry our grief and pain better than we can – so we can move forward towards healing.
5. Speak truth to yourself. So, take the time each day to tell yourself the truth that sets you free. My favorite truth at the moment happens to be my verse for the year. “Behold, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:19. Like this verse, my heart this past year has felt like a wasteland. I am still processing my grief. There are more onion layers to be peeled. But learning how to hold space for it, speaking truth over myself, and naming my shadows have all helped to keep me moving forward, instead of feeling stuck, or even worse, feeling like I was drowning. I am starting to see the streams of hope and joy return, slowly but surely. And I hope and pray the same for you, whatever your circumstance might be. If it’s helpful – check out some of the resources below. They spoke life to me when I needed encouragement the most.
6. Helpful Resources. Adore, by Sara Hagerty. Be Angry, But Don’t Blow It, by Lisa Bevere. Healing Grace Ministries or Healing Christian Ministries.